Polish RobberA Polish guy walks into a store and says, "Open the register!".
The store keep says, "We're closed."
The Polish guy says, "I'll be back tomorrow"!
Old Loving An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're
90."
Relationship What do men consider a 50-50 relationship?
We cook, they eat! We clean, they dirty! We iron, they wrinkle!
Mascara How are men like mascara?
Any sign of emotion and they're running!
Young Business Man
A young businessman had just started his own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"
How Many Programmers?
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Yummy Peanuts
A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he's driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.
"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.
So, the puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"
FBI Funny
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher.
The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbor's house.
Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?"
"Sure Did!"
"Did they chop your firewood?!"
"Yep!"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"
George Washington
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
George Washington!
George Washington who?
George Washington who?!! Didn't you learn anything in history class?!!
Alphabet
Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"
The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!!!"
The teacher asks, "Where is the P?"
Johnny screams, "IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY LEG!!! PLEASE LET ME GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!"
Stop at Green?
When do you stop at GREEN and go at RED?
When you're eating a watermelon!
Substitute Teacher
A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."
Right away, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Serious Hearing
An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be very pleased."
To which the elderly man said, "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"
p.s : Can I literally roll myself on the floor.... ???? HAhahahah... LOL
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